You guys…what can I say? Life has been so very difficult for us here and I don’t think blogging or feeling “normal” has been part of my life for a very long time now.
As most of you know, and for those who don’t, at 20 weeks pregnancy I was diagnosed with placenta previa. Unfortunately, my placenta was completely covering my cervix and proved to be more stubborn than me; long story short, it never grew out of the way and Finn, my third son, was born cesarean 3 weeks ago.
Wow! 3 weeks already!
If you asked me if time would fly like that before having the cesarean, I would have said no. I felt like between waiting for my previa to remedy itself as well as losing my biological dad at the end of my pregnancy, which threw a nasty wrench in an already not-fun situation, time was an illusion and I was standing alone in a fog.
Fear was the one driving and I don’t think I have ever lived my life so scared of the unknown. I have given birth naturally twice prior to Finn, and I am a HUGE sissy la la about medical intervention. Giving birth un-medicated for 27 hours first time and 12 hours at home the second time around…that was much more digestible than the idea of being cut open and at the mercy of another.
What was I afraid of?
I was afraid of the surgery itself. I have only ever had my wisdom teeth out, that’s it. However, Ryan and his mom gently reminded me that I had a root canal while I simultaneously had a kidney infection, gave birth naturally twice, and run marathons for a living…chances were surgery would be a walk in the park.
I was afraid of giving up my birth. I don’t feel like cesareans are a cop-out for moms, (quite the contrary actually). But, I would be lying if I didn’t say that a huge part of me felt robbed. I still feel like I missed out on the part of being a mom that involves actually birthing your child and all the lovely hormones that proceed it that cesarean just doesn’t provide.
I was afraid for Finn. Would this affect his health? would he be okay being born so early? how would breast feeding go after major surgery?
Like I said, fear was the driver, and I was along for the ride.
I don’t know if I just wore myself out from worrying so much or come day of his birth, I finally found the peace/acceptance/strength I needed to face it all head-on.
Cesarean was scheduled for Thursday, March 30, 2017 at 8 am.
Ryan and I were to show up at the hospital 2 hours prior to do all of the preliminary paper-work, signing over my life, and getting my i.v. started as well as a slew of other not fun things, (like drinking this concoction that I can only describe as sour-patch kid water without the sugar).
I will go into more detail about the birth tonight or tomorrow. I just wanted to make sure I checked in with you all and let you know that sharing Finn’s birth is just as, if not more, important than the other births. I want to be humble in my fears, but also dispel any fears that others might have heading into a cesarean so that you might have better sleep then I did leading up to surgery.
I realize that every cesarean birth is different, every vaginal birth is different…I will say this. All birth is beautiful. Given the right team to support you during, a positive mind-set, and the ability to surrender and allow whatever is meant to be, to be…makes any birth a truly unforgettable/beautiful experience, really.