This is probably one of the hardest posts I will have to write.
I wanted to make sure that I wrote something before tomorrow though, so bare with me if things aren’t perfect.
Today I had to say goodbye to one of my most loyal supporters in all of my endeavors in life, but in particular, my love for running and what run nelly run has done for me as far as spreading my love for pursuing your dreams, no matter how big or small they are.
5 years ago, which gets me every time I think about how long it has been, I lost one of the main men in my life…my step-dad Jim. Tonight, my biological dad Tim who is another in the greatest list of men in my life, is in that in-between phase we all go before we cross over from this world to what comes next for us.
Both times, both dads, I have been for lack of better words….blind-sided. I didn’t know how quickly I would lose my dad Jim when he passed with pancreatic cancer and again, my dad Tim was seemingly great and then before we all knew it he was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis and I was back 5 years earlier not quite comprehending how I was going to lose someone so dear to me.
However, knowing that my dad Tim has been a loyal follower of my blog since day one. Knowing that he has read every post and cheered me on from near and afar…I have been given a huge gift with his love and support. He gets my love for running. He believes that I am destined for greatness. He and I transformed into the father and daughter that we didn’t quite get a chance at when I was younger and I have felt loved, encouraged, supported like every girl should feel when they talk about their dad. I don’t ever have to question wether I am loved or not, his love needs no words just like a dad should. His love is undesterood even in the unspoken moments.
Even if I had not prevailed at running, I still knew that I could count on my dad to see the best in me…to have two men in my life who both felt that way about their daughter…I am at the very least blessed.
Beyond his constant encouragement, he is teaching me that goodbyes don’t have to mean forever. Because I have placenta previa I am not able to fly right now. Flying so late in my pregnancy with my “condition” puts my babe and I at risk. It is an awful feeling to not be there by someone’s side when all you know you want to do is be right where they are holding their hand through it. However, after our final FaceTime conversation…my son Bodhi said something that made me realize that him and my dad understand that life is so much more then this world. Bodhi and I talked about grandpa needing to say goodbye to this world. Bodhi answered to me that this isn’t the end of the road for any of us. He said that he believes that we have another life to live. He said that he wants to come back as a predator bird and he KNOWS grandpa is coming back as an eagle.
My dad found is faith through Native American culture. He actually has an eagle feather right by him as I write this post. Bodhi, not knowing this, feels what is true in his heart. My dad told me he would not lay down and be done, he would be back in another way….I am so thankful to have been given that gift from both of them to know that they, grandpa and grandson, know the greater plan and for them that is their truth and I think it is a beautiful way to understand where my dad as well as my step-dad need to go in order to fulfill the next part in their journey.
Because this is truly to honor someone who has really kept me going down my journey of sharing and being as open and honest about my life as possible…I want to end with this. To truly honor a great man and his love for life and all that lies within it, (great music, yummy food, his love for architecture, art, building, creating, being the best friend any of his friends would vouch for….)Please honor him and anyone that you have had to let go sooner than you wanted to by telling everyone and anyone in your life that you love them.
Don’t sweat the small stuff, (not getting a PR, missing a workout, whatever might be bothering you today). Revel in the things that you love. Take time to stop and reflect on why you love to run so much or what about your spouse makes you smile more than if you think about another….whatever your bliss is, please hold onto that.
Dad, this is not goodbye. You will always be loved. You will be on every run, every journey your daughter, son, grandsons, newest grand baby, as well as friends and family go on. We will always keep you in our hearts and you won’t ever be forgotten. Bodhi and I will be looking for you up in the sky…I truly believe he knows your spirit animal and he will let me know when you are around, thank you for giving me a son who has your same ability to be so in tune.
I love you.