Summer seems to be drawing near and the boys and I are soaking up every moment of sunshine! My running schedule seems to be picking up again, which has me excited.
6 miles pushing this beast and I am feeling like doing a “rocky” dance of victory…my boys aren’t getting any lighter!
Life keeps chugging along, somedays quicker and more seamless than others, however, it still goes on. However, today, while I was out on my run reflecting on life like I normally do…thinking about my dad like I ALWAYS do…and I got really sad, like sit down and cry sad.
That’s the funny thing about grief. You can never really guess when it is going to hit you the hardest. Losing my dad and grieving the loss of the physical part of him comes in waves…today I was hit by a huge title wave.
Becoming a parent, watching my boys grow into two very different and both equally lovable human beings has been such a joy.
Trout and his love for trains! this boy could stand and watch them go by all day long, day after day.
My dad always wanted to see me have a “little me”…Trout is my mini me. This boy even says “hi” and hiccups like I did as a kid. His straw colored hair that tangles in minutes is exactly like mine when I was his age…his smile..my dad would have loved to have seen him like he did Bodhi.
This boy! Bodhi is mischievously curious about life and yet is so incredibly tender hearted and kind….all the damage he did by pushing you to your very brink is immediately erased.
The love these two have for each other!
These little loves of mine and how I have learned to love in an all new way as a parent makes me miss my dad so much more. I would love to call him up on the phone and tell him, “I get it! I get now why you did what you did…you did it out of love for us, your kids!”
I ache for him to be standing on the side of the roads as I pass by on mile 25 of my marathon. My dad was always my biggest cheerleader. I would give anything to tell him that I have found something I love, am willing to take a risk and see where it takes me, and I have all of that to thank because he showed me to always go after my dreams.
Today…all those thoughts; my boys who I would love to share with him and let him know he has two incredible grandsons, (well actually 4 incredible grandsons and 1 incredible granddaughter), fulfilling a personal dream of mine through running, and just chatting about life with the man I loved the most for so much of my life….somedays I just really am sad and there’s no fixing it.
That’s the funny thing about grief…there is no telling you when it will hit you the hardest.
Thankfully I have an incredible shoulder to cry on, a man who understands that somedays I just really need to be okay with letting myself cry. Thankfully, I have my two sweet boys to carry on the love my dad had for his kids through loving them. Thankfully, I have running, an outlet that allows me to feel complete joy even when I am feeling anything but happy.
So, today I grieved a little bit harder.