I feel slightly, well actually very, melodramatic lately. I don’t get sick often, but when I do it seems to be life altering.
I recently visited the chiropractor to have a maneuver done to help correct vertigo…..it worked great, until that evening, and then things seemed to go back to where it started. However, today, with the help of a friend and her advice…I’ve been able to manage the symptoms and am starting to feel somewhat normal.
As I discover what is going on, I have become a lot more aware of my lifestyle as of late and how it probably could have been contributing to the ticking time bomb that decided to go off. While I lead a seemingly “healthy” lifestyle…I have my hangups….and maybe to help dispel the myth that living “healthy” makes you untouchable…I’m willing to open up about my everyday struggles so that others will see that I am as normal as everyone else (or extremely abnormal).
It’s been mentioned in the past, I struggled with anorexia nervosa. I was “anorexic” from my senior year in high school until I was a junior in college. However, what most don’t understand, eating disorders don’t ever really leave a person. I don’t think anorexia defines who I am anymore, but it definitely has played a big part in how I think, feel, and view my body now.
While I look healthier on the outside I am still struggling with the demons on the inside telling me that I can’t eat as much unless I have been active enough that day. I didn’t start my eating disorder because of a weight issue…however, now….I will let my “weight” define who I am at times. I have had people joke about how Ryan is lucky to have married a runner, because he doesn’t have to worry about me getting heavy thinking it wouldn’t bother me when in reality it eats me alive. Simple things like someone telling me I “look healthier” can make my mind race around questioning if I’ve put on too much weight.
Obviously, my disorder hasn’t consumed my life 100% of the time. I have had the privilege to carry and birth two beautiful boys as well as turned running into something I could be good at, (if I want to and if my body won’t freak out over). I don’t go around thinking I am heavy, (because I know that I am far from it) and I don’t go around counting every calorie I have consumed…It’s not life consuming the majority of the time.
Getting back to not feeling well, I have realized with myself….once you’ve tipped the scale like I did, once you play near that line between doing alright and not doing good enough…your body goes kind of haywire. Most people could go years with being dehydrated or slightly undernourished, overstressed and overworked without feeling any symptoms. My body, on the other hand, miss a day of not enough calories or too much stress for the average person to handle….and my body freaks out! My body has been to it’s threshold and it is not okay with me going there ever again, (even if I’m not even close…it is an exaggerated “flight or fight” response).
Stress is a powerful thing and my body does not do a good job anymore about handling it; lately, I feel like I’ve been asking my body too much without giving it the support it needs with extra calories, hydration, and fat to help support the hormones my body is so desperately trying to get back to normal.
Before I make you all think that I am completely dissatisfied with life, I am always amazed and honored to have the things I do have. I have two amazingly sweet boys to watch scooter around and splash in puddles!
I am excited to have my greens again rather then store bought!
Having three caring, sweet, accommodating men in my life always make not feeling well a little bit easier….Apparently I did something right to have them in my life 😉
I hope that I did not offend anyone in this post. My intention wasn’t to provoke feelings of shame, anger, or whatever negative connotations I could have provoked. I just simply want to share so that other’s could maybe relate in some way. I am extremely flawed and I trying to work at one flaw at a time while also trying to stay feeling healthy and strong, (which means more to me than a lot in this world!)